Finding Stillness

This has been a summer of learning for me. A summer of growth and stillness. All my life I always felt like I had to be doing something to be productive. If I wasn't doing something I felt like I wasn't important, I wasn't worthy or I wasn't good enough. These lies I told myself meant that I always keep on going, keep proving myself. And so my wheels kept spinning and I kept finding myself feeling less and less satisfied.

When I first moved to New York City, I found myself having a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out). I wanted to know what was going on, where to be, what to eat, what to listen to and always have the option to say no. Not that I said no often. I found myself running myself ragged to try to get to two or three events in a night, just to feel like I wasn't missing out on anything. I am realizing that while none of this is harmful it wasn't doing me any good either. At the end of the day, keeping up created a lot of mind clutter and noise to have to filter through. If you're like me and have an overflowing inbox that you never get to, you know my pain.

Until recently I had very little opportunity to stop and take a breath. I just worked. I worked to survive, to stay legal, to stay in this city. I felt a pressure to keep up with a life that wasn't necessarily sustainable. A life that I saw through bleary eyes and an immune system that started to rebel on me. After a struggle with chronic insomnia I am learning to take care of myself again.

As I get older and hopefully wiser, I am starting to say no to things that I don't  need to do in order to make room for the things that I actually want to do. I am still learning to actively create space for myself.  I want to make room in my life for creativity and the simple joys in life. Thanks to a loving and supportive husband, I am creating space. I am indulging in the luxury of time. 

I am not going to beat myself up for not doing as much I want to get done each day, for not getting to all the things I thought I'd do like drawing everyday or reading my booklist or volunteering. I am going to give myself a break that my apartment doesn't look like how I want it to and I have dirty dishes in the sink. I am going to enjoy the moments and the days and savor them. I am going to learn that it's okay to rest and find my own thoughts again. I am going to lie on the beach on a Tuesday and feel so lucky that I have this freedom.